♥

2009-12-23T14:26:00.000-08:00

I really miss him.
But he'll always be in my heart, right?

If only his words were real.

I'd search over th horizon for them.
I know this isn't meant t be.

But I'll continue scouring every ends of this earth.

2009-12-19T16:00:00.000-08:00

I'm glad that no one ever peeks into this blog.
Here's a truly safe place for me t pour my heartfelts.

This feeling is so familiar...
I felt it before, but I lost it.
Now I feel it again, but I feel so lost.

How could this be?
This is just a crush right, Bay?

But...

...

There's a guy whose really mean & nasty & disgusting.
He's so uncouthed & rude & dumb at first.
But above all these I'm still drawn t him...

He pulled my hair. He called me stupid. He teases me.
He's a really bad boy, bad t th bone.
But I feel something tingling whenever I think of him..

Is this really what I think?
I'm sure he only treats me like a brother.
We've done so many good&bad things together, as a guy of course.

Is this for real?
Am I in love again?

No. I cannot be in love again. That'd be disastrous.

I don't know what t do...
That feeling.. is so cozy & warmth..

Brick.. is my feelings for you admiration, infatuation, or love?
Or is this just my hallucination?

Someone help me..

Brick.. Bay.. Brothers..

2009-11-13T03:08:00.000-08:00

Goodbye Max, although he'd hurt me real deeply.
Goodbye to this blog, I'll never visit here again.

I'd never loved you
because you're not who I want you to be.
You've never loved me,
because I'm not who I am right from the start.

I've never had this feeling,
to have someone there & yet felt so alone.
I never felt this hopeless,
to experience heaven & and yet hell the next minute.
We've threaded on the hills of this country,
leaving our footprints as marks of love.
Washed away by rain,
forgotten in time;
Broken was the love I had never once lied,
gone was the judge of heart who had once reside.

♥ Baelia has left this seemingly endless misery ♥

12November.23April.12August.

2009-08-28T06:36:00.001-07:00

我知道我不该那么做.
可是我想做个干脆的了断.
我不管我是不是伤到你,
我想我该让你知道.

不,不用了.别再做傻事.
感觉已失去了,就真的找不回来了.
我没骗你.我真的深爱过你.

但..当你说你已经不爱我的那时候,
我已经死了.变得没有感觉.
不再是活生生的人了.

现在回到我的生边,何必呢?
如果你真的爱我,你就不会离开.
别玩弄我们之间的爱情了.
我们的故事已经结束了.
不可能再像回忆那样.

今天的我,是你一手造成的.
别问为什么.我不会在爱上你.
当初,你能随随便便地把我当成是透明似的.
你已经让我深深对你断绝了每一首希望.

对不起.

我们不可能再是曾经的仪讽与丽晶...
长痛不如短痛.何必呢?

现在彼此的伤害,值得吗?
你只会自我中心.根本不把我放在眼里.
我是不会回去的.放弃吧.

这首悲惨的爱情故事已经到了完结篇..
不再有下一次...

也许是我还在害怕你吧.
或者是,我真的不爱你了.

对不起.我们只能协手走到这里.
你我人生的下一步,独生自走吧.
放开我的回忆,放开我对你破碎的爱.
擦干心里的眼泪,勇敢向前往开一步...

望了我们曾有过的回忆吧.
抱歉了,请放开我的手.
我不再属于你.你也不再是我的了.
如果我能放开一切,我相信你也行.

我们曾经爱过彼此...
爱一个人,不容易.
怎样面对一切,我们也不知道.

我们还是好朋友,不是吗?
别开口,忍着点.
悲恸就会渐渐离开...

要好好的活...
开心的过每一个日子...
爱你的晶晶已经死了.
12 August.

Live on with the memories...
Learn from your mistakes, but never regret.

Although I'm gone in the end,
always remember, people changes, things go wrong.
we're still here, and life goes on...

♥ 12 August .. ;

你是个好男人.更是个好爱人...
别为了我而糟蹋自己.不值得.

我们的心,永远难料.
愿下世,在做你的终生伴侣...

2009-08-28T06:35:00.002-07:00

感觉一旦失去了,就找不回来.
放手是唯一的选择.

最近很迷茫,失魂落魄的.
一直在想对你最好的做法,
但是卻按捺不住自己心裡的感受.
其实心裡还是很紧张你,
時刻想知道你还安康吗,
想知道你有沒有按時食饭..
什么都想知道...

可是我知道这样会让你痛苦..
所以我选择了一條让我更痛的路...

爱一個人, 原來真的要学會放手.
雖然会痛, 可是如果这样做会让你好过,
看到你幸福, 我就开心,满足了.

既然我們都找不到平衡點，
那只好放轻一点，
这样才不会跌得重。

玩出火了.
很后悔..
心已经痛到沒感觉了,
很想佔有,
可是全都沒有了...

请大家好好珍惜身边的人,
再次失去,才学懂珍惜...

人就是那么犯戒,
永远不会顾別人的感受,
只會自我中心.

好像我这样的人永远也不会有好結果,
最后都只会受伤
开始觉得生活沒有意义了...
沒有寄托...什么都沒有.
很諷刺...自己一直以为自己做得很好,
可是原來一直以來都忽略了身边最重要的人的感受.
真的,真的很后悔..
我会想你的...永远也会.

也许我还放不下吧.
或者是我还在牵挂着回忆.
我网看了我们曾有过的美满时段,
觉得好可惜.可是这也是我犯的错.
我对他人要负责...
还在徘徊着..该不该那么做呢?
一个人面对这种生活困苦..不好受.
等我的泪流完,花也械了.
放手真不容易.要我当着没事发生过更加困难.
生边每次都觉得空空的.
像是属于我的东西被拿走似的.
像他这样的男孩很难找...
万人之上...

如果当初我没回到他的生边就好了!

-

网络的男友,怎么也不必生边的最爱跟重要呀.
我真傻!可是现在后悔有什么用?
无路可走了.不能回头.
只好过单生生活吧.

我能放手,我知道我行的.
我并不需要时间.我也不需要你的安慰.
跟不需要其他男人的关怀.
我只爱他.
除非你告诉我,你是我生命的天使.
可是我会觉得那是一派胡言!~

看看有那个男孩能忍受我的脾气吧.

要我吃回头草,是不可能的.
感情一旦失去了,就找不回来.

我也曾对前男友说,
当你等到我醒来时,我已经不爱你了.
我变心了.也许是你我的错.
我对你的无奈.发现我不再对你有爱感.

我并不要求他高大威猛.
只想它能牵就我.
样子并不重要.但我偏偏喜欢会放电的男孩.

不是每个男孩都能让我谜的神魂颠倒.
也许>你<就不是我要找的终生伴侣.
是你的就是你的,谁也夺不走.
不是你的,永远也不会是.
放弃吧.

know your limits.
癞蛤蟆想吃天鹅肉.
跟你就像是...
鲜花插在牛粪上!
照照镜子,去死吧~!

2009-08-28T06:35:00.001-07:00

Love is just like quicksand.
Leave it within your fingers and there it stays.
Clutch it if you can and it darts away.

I still miss the memories now. but I've let go.
and I find it funny when people say that love is useless.

Not exactly. In a way or another.
How do you compare the euphoria you experience,
when you get all A1, and you get a high salary job and yet you're alone at home.
And, when you're poor. But you have a loved one beside you.

The feeling is different, for all you know.
Money isn't everything. Love isn't everything either.
But at some point in life you'll need someone there.

Cos' no matter how strong you are,
you can still be troubled by matters of the heart.
I'm sure a lot of people agree. Because they've been through it.

Unlike you. Insensitive and rude. Uncaring and preceded.
It's time you consider not to be a slave of the government and your boss.
Working day and night just for money and promotions.

Is that your "so-called" life motive?
Do you find it happy when you return to a home alone?
You find that something is already missing from the start.

And in life, I find, but to no avail, and I fail,
to find that special someone to be by my side.

Some say it's effortless. Yet some say you need to put in effort.
Some say it's natural. Yet you still have to consider fate.
Some say it's spontaneous, but nonchalant people ends up being single.

I think that you really need to work hard for what you want.
In the end, what matters most is what you've put in, not yourself or whoever.
And I know, we know, he knows that I've/We've tried our best.

Trying to save a relationship isn't easy, everyone knows that.
It's a wrong decision I've made in the past, I have to account for that.
And that's the reason why, I tried.

The operational words here are, "I tried".
Trying guarantees no success or failure. It could go either way.
And seemingly it's fated that my life is to go another way.
The only way is to let go and live on with the memories.

People have been saying, doubting my ability to live on.
I doubted myself too. But, too, I find it really hard to die.
It's funny why people die so easily and suddenly.
And in contrary how tardy I was facing death in the face.

Maybe it's a new chance for me.
I know wherever, over the edges of the horizon,
there's that special someone. Who can morph this nightmare of mine.
Whether in the end I found him or not,
it's all meant to be.

So, no rush. But.
Some people keep asking me whether I believe in astrology.

Here's the answer:
Yes I do. Fuck those who doesn't.
Astrology plays a part in you. Whoever you are.
Your personality, your traits, even your physical appearances.
Is totally or spatially linked. To astrology.
I believe. It's all in the stars, right?
Can't you see that I'm a typical Scorpio?

Use your brains.

2009-08-28T06:34:00.001-07:00

I'm officially over this damsel in distress thingy.
Mark my words, over him, over memories, over the pre-myself.
CANCER, it's time for you to see who I really am.
My true colors which you've NEVER seen when I was your girlfriend.
Die collapsed in my poisons.

A new life begins.

Baelia is finally single again!
Single life rocks, FREEDOM!
No MAXimum limit to go,
No latest time to report to my boyfriend (boss).
No one to irritate me!

I AM. BUT A FOOLISH GIRL.
with the only goal in her heart ~

Th rain may come, th sun may set,
but there's something she will never regret ~

I'll never find love again.
Find me if you want me.
Leave me alone if you're a coward or a wimp.
Ignore me if you're a bastard.
Hate me if you're a daredevil.

I've finally discovered how beautiful the morning sun is.
I'm a fish that breathes off coast!
I'm a bird who could walk!
I'm a girl who could love!

You see;
Everything comes to an end.
Void would be our utmost eternity.
Death gets nearer to us every fickling moment.

I'll never fall prey to love AGAIN.
Taking this as a lesson,
my scars as a fleshy monument,
my eternal regrets as a reminder to keep me away from peril.

I'm back. Harder. Bigger. Badder. Stronger.
And I await my obstacles. Bring them on because.

I'll still prevail in the end.

2009-08-20T04:34:00.000-07:00

I still love you.
Don't ask how I feel, or why.
Making my post in a short moment and off I go.

I am a foolish girl,
with the only love in her eyes.
The rain may come, the sun may set,
but I'll never let you go..

All I need is your love,
and to hear you say that I am yours.
So tell me now and show me how
I could be your better girl.

I'll surrender everything just to be with you, there is no one in the world like you.
You make me real,
you perfected me thoroughly.

And I'll cross every ocean,
just to be with you.
You're my dreams and you're my soul.

Just like a flame,
you're burning in my soul.
You wake me from the cold,
you gave me strength in everything.

You're like a flame,
you brighten up my world,
every corner bears a print of you,
becoming my strength to face my greatest weakness.

Now please tell me, how do I face you?

You're my greatest weakness.

2009-08-17T03:51:00.000-07:00

Another gloomy day of crying.
Look, even the sky is shedding its tear for me.

I'm the stupid fish who fought without its fins.
The stupid fish who fought with a kingfisher.

And lost...

I wished this was all just a joke. Really.
So cruel..

He was the judge of my heart..
He sentenced me to life imprisonment..
Just because of a small mistake I made.

All I need is you. I need you.
You know I would give my life up for anything in return.
And you walked past me, as if I'm wasn't a big part of your life before.
As if I'm invisible.

Every girl must go through this painful cycle.
Which all arguments all ended up in blood and tear shed...
Now I really want to take back my words.

And tell you again that I'll never let you go...
Be it you like it or not.. It's the only way I can survive.
You seem to move on without me easily...

I feel so inferior. I feel so pathetic when I cried for you.
Now I know that I had never been a part of you.
I'm an outcast. Or at least it's what you made me feel like.

I feel so.. useless.
When I'm not the reason for your smile.
When I'm the person you wanted to avoid all along.

Really. Although I still love you. Deeply as ever.
I hope that you can soon find your girlfriend. Or soulmate.
At least this sooner or later fact can put an end to me.

Do you know you're the reason I go to school everyday?
Do you know how painful it is, to sit on the same spot you left me?
In the library, on the bus, where you left and hinted me you'll be leaving.
Do you even still remember our first kiss? Although it was just an accident?
I'd never forget that. I know you already forgotten them.

You're the reason I smiled and cried.
You're the reason for the rain and rainbow in my sky.
The reason which made me alive. Till now.
I really don't know how long I can survive...

Do you know how much I miss the moment when we're at the cold room?
IT'S THE PLACE YOU BROUGHT ME INTO YOUR WORLD...
It's the very place.. You gave me your ring.

But now... You just sentenced me to a DEATH sentence.
Is there really no second chance?
Is fate really so cruel to me?
How do you expect me to live on...

When you cut away my fins when I'm a fish.
When you took away my wings when I'm a bird.
When you blinded and crippled me when I'm a GIRL.

Do you know how much you meant to me?
Do you really know how much I LOVE YOU?
No you would NEVER know.

Because I no longer dares to talk to you.
Because I'm afraid that I would cry infront of you.
Because I'm scared that you would know MY WEAKNESS.

YOU ARE MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS.

I want to take back my words.
I will NEVER let go. NEVER give up.
But I have no courage to say this to you...
Cos' I've done wrong in the first place..

I guess there's really no second chance for me.
You've destroyed all hopes of a reincarnated soul.
I need you. I really do.
You took away my pride and dignity.
You took away all my love and left me alone.
You even took me away from myself.

Flashes of memories of you formed a black and white rainbow in my mind.
Minutes before my death I am reminded of the sweet moments.
Seconds before my death your kisses came back as reminiscents...

Within a split second, a murderous transition of the heart occurred, I'm no longer alive at heart.

But that very moment before my actual death,
that very memory of what happened in your house came swamping back, draining all the remaining life off me.

I'll never forget what you did to me on your bed.

Never.

2009-08-16T04:58:00.001-07:00

so very true.
so darn emotional.
so darn suicidal.
COLD BLOODED love.

it's all because of YOU.
i'm afraid to let go.
i'm scared to move on.
i'm thinking of you EVERY moment.
are you still fine? are you happy without me?
are you really happy NOW THAT I'M GONE IN YOUR LIFE?
if you're so happy, why ask me back in the first place?

you're so much better off without me.
i'm so much lonelier without you. you know that.
you have made me completely lost hope in guys or whatsoever.
i'll never trust you again. cause all you said was a white guiltless lie.
you took away my wings. i cried blind for you.
you're all the fucking blood that's running inside my veins,
and you've left me as a living zombie ; x .

don't you feel shameful?
i can be your slave of love. this moment. and in the past.
but not anymore. i'm not feelingless. i have my pride.
i wonder why do i love you so much too.
you're nothing but a prefect. cambodian. guy.
you're just like ANYONE.
why do i love you so deeply and obsessed?
why, why, why; the answers never found me.

left clueless and alone. alone to heal up my deeply inflicted wounds.
physical flesh wounds takes time to heal.
EMOTIONAL WOUNDS TAKES FAITH TO HEAL.
they may not even heal in the end.
thanks alot. thank you, VERY MUCH.
for landing me in this state, for making me love such a bastard.

for the tears that come down every single fucking minute.
for the disbelief i showed towards guys.
for all the fake hugs. kisses. loves. and promises you gave.
the fake memories. it was all just a dream.
to you, it meant totally NOTHING.
but to me, my life depended on that.

do you know you're like just lifting a fish out from a fish tank?
you're my oxygen, you know that. i can't breathe without you.
WHY DID YOU CHOOSE TO COME BACK EVEN?
i really hate you. but the more i hated you, the more i loved.
and the more i'm unable to let go of.

just as i thought i'm off in another relationship.
just as i thought it's the MOST perfect moment in my life.
just when i thought you were gonna be my EVERYTHING.
you took literally everything away from me.
ripping my heart and soul apart.
you stained my life with your cold blooded murders.

and walked away with a sorry.
do you think that a sorry is what i really want?
you don't know how i feel. because you never wanted to.
YOU JUST WANT TO FUCKING LEAVE ME AND AVOID ME.
because i'm a burden to you.
i'm no longer appealing and fun to you.
you no longer treats me like the Baelia you treated in the past.
you seemed to forget all those memories.
and what happened on the bus.
you forced it. but i was happy.
to you, i'm a toy.

your tongue kisses are lethal poisons.
your hugs are excruciating pierces.
your words to me ended my world.
your love is a fake fairytale.

sorry. if you think that i'm a strong girl.
if you THINK that i can survive without you.
IF you assumed that i'll be alright.
you're wrong.

you should have told me i'm not the girl for you.
but you kept it in silence,
while my life is falling for you,
i had no clues. nothing. i didn't know this feeling had alr went wrong.
so i depended on you. you were my everything.
now that i'm in pain, can you please take it all away?
no. you wouldn't. you're self centered.
to the extent of making me your victim.

although i'm starting to clear my thoughts out.
even though i'm beginning to let go.
i know you aint the one for me.
i know that you will never truly love me.
despite all of this revelations...
this stupid scorpion still continued stinging herself..
you're haunting me...
couple...
i had a wing once.
you took them away and shared yours with mine.
after what which felt like eternity,
you left me all of a sudden without anything.
you gave me NOTHING, and you took my love and pride away just like that.
because of you i'm a bird which can't fly.
i'm an eagle which can't soar.
i'm a fish which no longer swims.

i'm just like a shark.
for your interest and passion,
you cut off my fins just cos you desired them.
and you left me dying in the ocean alone.
hopeless. clueless. lifeless.

i hate you. for causing me so much pain.
don't even bother to say sorry to me,
don't bother when you don't even know what you've done wrong.
don't fucking think that you know me alot.
yes, i understand you. what's never meant to be will never be.

but i really hate you for lying to me.
and making me depend on you.
why give me those that were never real?
you don't fucking know how deep you've hurt me.
you don't fucking know how helpless i felt.
YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW BECAUSE YOU AIN'T ME.

i'm not an angel. i'm neither a devil. i do not have magical prowess.
i'm a mortal... earthling...
i have weaknesses... i cry. i bleed.
you are my weakness.
but why must i cry and bleed for you? i'm so stupid.

i realised i have been so foolish all along.
taking my dreams as reality.

i once perceived you as my prince charming.
i thought you could rescue me from my godmother.
but you were an assassinator in disguise...
you brought me to a forest... you killed me repeatedly.
till i was a shadow left from my former self.
you took my heart, threw it into a rubbish bin.
you left totally no clues from this coldhearted murder.
but you forgot to end my heartfelts.
you left me alone in this dreaded rubbish bin.
laying there. breathing as long as i can.
because you know that eventually i'll die.
die from love sickness. because of you.

this fairytale had turned into a cold blooded murder...

i can't bear to. really.. but...

PLEASE...

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vanish from my life...

2009-08-15T06:01:00.002-07:00

I wished he is still by my side.
It's all my fault. I shouldn't have broke in the first place.
Letting go doesn't mean I don't love him anymore right.

He's the best boyfriend I've ever dated.
Because he gives me a sense of security none of my ex ever did.
I still remember the moment when I sat beside him while we both sat along a river.
I felt so blissful. I wished that moment in time would halt for me.

Why aren't there any time machines in this world? ):
I want to go back in time. Back to that time when he still loves me.
And instead of forcing myself to love him, I love him naturally.
That would be so flawless. But that's only just a dream.

I still think of him and hope that he would be back.
But the chances of odds are near to zero. I know I'm dreaming.
It's surprising how he can forget those memories in just months.
He must have been very hurt by me... =l
Sigh. So this is what happened when I followed my heart.
I shall never trust my heart AGAIN.

There's no need to. Because I figured out that life's not only all about love.
I'll live my life proudly. Loving him even though this is an unrequited love.

Occasionally I would wonder what is he doing without me,
Is he bored? Is he still thinking of me?
And the answer would be. No, he's probably having much fun with his friends.

Why I said he won't come back, it's based on personality. And it's accurate.
He is a strong guy. Both mentally and physically.
Out of the impossibilities, if, IF, he would fall in love with me again,
he would never admit it. Because guys care about their pride.
But that's only if he would love me again. (: *snap out of my dream*.

You see now, I've discovered so many aspects of a relationship.
That's what I didn't in the first place.
And that's the reason for the misery now.

Let me briefly describe my moments with max.

In the first place, I remembered telling max.
I think we be back as friends bah.
Love is something that comes naturally, not forcefully.
I've told my friends how great a guy you are.
And how perfect and blissful I felt when I was with you.
But in the end I realised I'm just forcing myself to love you.
I'm sorry but. I can't. You're not the max I wanted you to be.
We just don't fit. You're so daring. And I'm so shy and conservated.
I chose to leave.

-

That's the first one. Now look at the first of the last moments.
The ">" is from max.
The ">>" is from me.

-

Sitting by the river;
> "I'm thinking. Should I go into a relationship with you again?"
>> "Follow your heart. Don't do things that you may regret."
> "But I'm afraid that I may be hurt like how you hurt me last time."
>> "You know why I wanted a break up last time?"
> "Why."
>> "I'm a secondary three girl, max. I can't afford to put time into relationships. I need the time for my studies too. And you're so daring. You made me scared of you. And you? You're a secondary two guy who is one year older than me. I really don't want others to say about us in a Jie-Di-Lian."
> "What has that got to do with you and me? Can't you just love me?"
>> "Previously I can't."
> "If I'm back, how often can we be both going out?"
>> "Once a week only."
> "Wha? Once a week? Hard maintain relationship like this."
>> "Fine. You be my first priority. I shall fail everything for YOUR sake."
> "Just joking la."
-Silence-
>> "So what's your assessment?"
> *puts arm around my shoulder*
>> "I'll take it as a yes wor?"
> "Let it be."

-

I really can't feel that he doesn't love me anymore.
I thought he still does. That's the most fatal mistake I made.
Really. It almost caused me my life and pride. Now look.
The second moment after he found out that I smoke.

-

At MacDonalds, with 2 of his friends.
He and his friend were playing PSP.
They played for 2 hours plusplus. And I'm sick and bored.
> "你要玩吗?"
>> *Thinks. What the fuck. Idiotic -.- Can't you see I'm fucking bored and sleepy. I want my ciggarette."
>> "No thanks. I'm okay. I just want to smoke awhile."
> "HUH?"
>> "You heard nothing. Now carry on playing and let me sleep."
-About 30mins later, we went home. Max ignored me.-
> "走啦."
>> *smiles* "I'm sleepy. I want to smoke."
> "你要smoke, 你自己去吧."
-Walking to bus stop. A distance apart from us. Total silence-
>> "你是不是生气我smoke?"
> "没有."
-Silence after we walked to the bus-
-The bus came. I boarded. But he didn't-
> "Bye."
>> "Cya."
-After that. I realised this bus is not for humans board one-
-Misses him, wondering what's wrong-
-A long distance later. Made up my mind. Alighted-
-Ran like the fastest I ever ran back to the bus stop hoping he's still thr-
>> *silence while gasping for air, tired*
> "Why you still here? I thought you left?"
>> "你不是说你要送我回家的吗？没有你我不要回家."
> "Stupid. 傻瓜."
>> *smiles while still catching my breath*
-Another bus came, we both boarded it and sat beside each other-
-Silence =.=-
>> "你是不是不喜欢我抽烟?"
> *shakes head* "最好是不要."
>> "你不喜欢将我就不要了, I'll quit smoking. Promise."
> "说得到容易."
>> "If anything I do was for you, I'll promise that I will do it."
-Silence-
-Listens to 擦肩而过-
-Turns head away from max. Tried controlling my tears-
-Failed. Tears came out like a tap. Looked away and pretended I'm looking out of window-
>> *Thinks. I'll never let you go again. I don't want to end up like last time..*
>> *Don't know what to do..*
> *lean his head on my shoulders*
>> *smiles with tears coming down*
-Reached the stop he is supposed to alight-
> "Byebye.." *Touches my cheek as if he's unwilling to leave*
>> *Looks at him. I really don't want him to go ):*
-Continues listening to song. Crying silently and secretly-
-Wondering what worse will happen.. Little did I know..-

-
I really don't want him to leave me...
I don't know what to do without him.
Imagining the worst day - him leaving me for good.
Thinks to myself : I don't know how to survive that.

-

Now let's see the final and last moment before the break up.
Short. Sweet. Simple.
Heartbreaking. Eternally long. Complicated.
-After group study, max and me went to library-
> "I have 4 things I want you to promise me."
>> "Ya? What are they?"
> "One. Pin up your fringe. Two. Take care of your face."
>> "WHAT?! No way!"
>> "What's the third and fourth?"
> "Don't tell you. Promise me first."
>> "Cannot. Don't want. Tell me!"
> "Don't promise I don't tell you."
>> *HMPH* "Okay lor! Don't say don't say lor."
-In the library-
> *Took a book, pencil out*
>> "What are you doing?"
> "Shh." *Scribbles things on the book.*
Book : You love me?
>> "What kind of question is that?"
Book : What will you do if I asked for a break up?
>> "Don't know."
>> "Why you ask me these questions?"
-Little did I know that these were HINTS as to what's going to happen...-
> "Don't know."
-Played around-
-Kept looking in his eyes. Falling deeper and deeper inside the endless hole of love-
> "Let's go. It's late. Let me send you home."
>> "So auto? K lors."
-Neither did I know that this was the last time he's going to send me home...-
-Walked to the bus stop-
> *Hugged my waist*
>> "What you doing?! We at public ley!" *shy*
> "Also no people around."
-And too, I didn't know that this was the last hug I would ever receive-
-Boarded the bus. Sat at the back-most seats-
>> "Sit at left side la!"
> "Left side got sunlight!"
>> "Right side then got!"
> "Sit right side la!"
>> "Okayokay you WIN!"
-Ever wonder why I kept giving in to you? It's because I'm finally truly in love-
-Sat down-
>> *Locked my arms with his arms as if never letting him go*
> *Started falling asleep*
-See. I was right. Right side got sunlight-
-Light very bright and strong. So I did a stupid thing-
>> *put my left arm around him as if carrying a baby*
>> *shades him from the sunlight using my body*
-And I had no clues these little deeds that would have contributed to our relationships are no longer contributing. It's too late.-
-Awhile later he reached the stop he was going to alight-
-But he was still asleep, so I didn't wake him up-
-2 stops later, he awoke-
> "Pass the stop le ah?!"
>> "Then go next stop lor."
> "Until when then the road turns?"
>> "I think is this stop ley. Ya is this stop."
> "Byebye.."
>> *Kissed him on the cheeks*
> *Tried to kiss me on the lips. But I turned away*
-Yup, and neither did I know this would be the last kiss I would ever get from him-
-If I knew, I wouldn't kiss him too-
-If I didn't accept the last kiss, does that means there will be more?-
> *Alighted the bus and looked in from outside to say a FINAL goodbye*
>> *Looks with unwilling eyes. I was about to cry.*
-And yes... That would be the last time I would ever see him again...-
-Took the lasts end-of-the-world journey alone back to my home-
-Thinks of the sweet moments that just happened and once happened-
-Smiled-
-I didn't know too, that this smile of mine would turn me into an eternally crying Baelia-

-
And so, you see the irony.
Compared to what has happened and what is GOING to happen...
I shall swear that 12 August was the WORST and SADDEST day of my life.

-
Went home and bathed.
Waited for his sms. But I didn't know that I was waiting for my 'doom'.
15 minutes later. An sms came.
That sms sealed my fate. Shattered me into pieces and almost ended my life.
It read : (rephrased due to his english errors)

"First, I will say sorry.... Now let's break bah.. I feel that we are from different world. I feel like I don't have any feelings with you anymore.. I don't know why too, but I just know I think I don't love you anymore.. I'm sorry, but I have to say before it's going to hurt you more next time.. I feel that we are so different.. I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I have no choice, I have to say this..

Im sorry..."

-The contrary? Isn't this what I told him in the first place? Another fragile Dejavu-

It left me desperate.
Hopeless.
Like I'm transferred to an empty world where I'm the only one alive inside.
I felt like that was going to be the end of my life.
I felt fucking sad.
Pain gripped me.
It's emotionally excruciating, I must admit.
Unable to bear the pains, I cried but to no avail.
Then I took out my penknife, and started carving weird letters into my arms.
I don't know why, it's just my instincts.
Like someone's controlling me.
I felt really hopeless and left ever so alone in this world that,
I could no longer feel the pain and the blood coming out and dripping on the bathtub.
I don't know what was I doing too, until that feeling was gone and I'm back to myself.
Then it started to hurt.. ALOT.. and I looked at my arms.
Full of blood shears, it wrote "Love sucks" and "Fate hurts",
my wrist's blood vessels was badly ruptured.
Blood came out like a bloody volcano, along with my life.
I laid at the bathroom, hurt, too painful to move.
Life's draining out from me every single moment and I know I'm in deep shit.
Oh god, I thought, what's going to be next? Am I going to die or what?
Feeling dizzy and hurtful,
I turned on the hot water so that the pain could be drowned and killed by the intense heat.
Yes, I felt numb-ed after that.
Felt better but the state of my arms was hideous.
So I stood up with much efforts,
went to my bedroom,
found bandages,
and wrapped both of my arms while enduring the pains.
It was swollen like hell.
I wondered how I'm going to go to school in this state.
And I realised I could hide the wounds by wearing a jacket.

It's the end of hope, I thought.
Luckily there was ziling to be there for me until the next day.
Had a slight fever, lied to my dad that I'm having a cold so I wore jacket.
Passed off as a good liar, and reached school.
Rinsed the blood stains off my jacket and dried it before school starts.

Max's last words to me was... (rephrased as his english is.. poor)
"I'll still be friends with you."

"Listen. I'm really sorry.. But what is gone just let it be gone. What for doing so much things? It's not worth. Old one don't go, new one would never come. I believe you will find someone better than me of cause... So don't think too much..."

"I have no feelings towards you anymore because you left me in the first place.. And hurt me so much till you made me have no feelings with you anymore.. I never lied to you.."

"I don't think we should continue talk about it.. It will just make you more hurt.. Just forget it and restart your love life with another new boyfriend.. I believe he will love you more than me.."

"Don't silly.. Your new boyfriend will make you more happy.. I think that I didn't do anything for you to make you happy. Just give him a chance.. and just forget me.. Trust him, and forget me.. You can do it de.. That's all I can say.. We are friends remember? So you still can talk to me.. I go le.. I still have homework to do.."

-

Remembered the 4 promises he told me to promise him?
I asked him just now.. But I'm touched by his reply.

Me : "What's the other two promises you haven't told me?"
Max : "Live happily... And forget me..."

Brought tears to my eyes.
He cared. As a friend.
And I'm thankful for that.

Although our friends' blessing aren't strong enough to make this love last,
although in the end we still lost to fate as a whole,
I hope this friendship can survive the many obstacles in life,
be it whatever people say, whatever people gossip,
yes, friends for life (:
I'll stop shedding my tears for you and I'll replace it with a smile.
I'll stop hoping that you'll come back, instead I'll hope that you can find someone who would never hurt you and will love you more than I did.
I'll stop doing these silly things to myself, and a brand new life awaits me.
I'll try to trust other guys like I did for you..
But one thing that's for sure. Although this is a tragic love ending,
I'll live my life happily. But I will not forget you, we are friends, remember? (:
I will also not forget those everlastingly sweet memories that you and me created.
The last hug and kisses you gave me will give me hope to live on.
And you as a friend, may our friendship blossom like never before (: ...

And that was how I lived my daily life since then.
Slowly, ever so slowly, my wounds would eventually heal.
Leaving scars which would eventually fade in time.
It may take a guy awhile to replace max's status in my heart,
but it may take an eternity to forget those memories.

The most precious moment I've had with you.
Was the very moment you brought me to cold room.
Where you took out that ring that is now missing in my life.

These will never be forgotten.
Baelia, you have been given a new chance to live and love.
Treasure it while you still can, do not walk the path the previous Baelia once did.
Who had already died on 12 August with a broken heart.

These will accompany me through the journey of my life.
A rainbow would still be rainbow, the rain will still be cold.
What's meant to be will be brought to life by fate,
what's unworthy would be judged thoroughly by karma.
What's not yours will never be. Learn to accept it.

With a ceremonial note, I shall finish this fictional love story of a love that's never meant to be.

Hope you like it, toodles(: -

2009-08-15T06:01:00.001-07:00

: i know this looks like drawing on arm. but it's not. its made by my penknives XD :
: any ppl who doubts that this isn't real. meet me out personally bahs(: :
~ dipping penknives into your soft flesh ~
~ creating bloody ridges and carving painstaking love letters ~
~ in remembrance of August 12, the death of my illusions ~

: Play this video and read this post :
: If I were you, there will sure be teardrops on my keyboard :
: So emotional ♥ :
: This was the song that made me fall in love with him :
: By listening to it, all the sweet memories came back :

i would like to sincerely take back my previous post.
for those who hadnt seen it then too bad.

yups. friends(: .
thanks max for the conversation over sms.
you made me feel that i made the right choice letting go.
and yes. i felt really so much better and happier.
at least i know why you stopped loving me(: .
but i must admit the reason was stupid.

ya. i cried. but. aw, it's just puppy love.
i really felt enlightened. cleared of my sins.

as you know, the past week had been a living hell to me.
crying every day and night. slitting and cutting.
carvings of "love sucks", and "fate hurts" on my wrists and arms.
really hurts alot. i got to do it to keep me away from my suicidal thoughts.

and thanks to who were concerned for my safety. ;

weisian: my personal counsellor whom i can confide practically everything to.
weiliang: who gave me hope to quit smoking.
kanghua: my very first love (real okay LOL) whom i can also tell my heartfelts to.
minghui: as my close friend whom was always there for me in times of need.
ziling: as my daddy who gave me a sense of scorpio's pride and encouraged me.
mrs soh: my teacher who counselled me like a real mother
mr chua: my discipline mister who told me not to smoke/cut/slit damn strictly but yet fatherly -.-

to Mrs.Soh, (if you're reading my blog),
DON'T SEND ME TO SEE A SCHOOL COUNSELLOR ):!
i promise ill be okay.. they're just merely flesh wounds..
i've talked to him over sms alr.
i feel seriously lighter, happier and carefree-er.
finally a ton off my heart!
although i still love him and misses him.
but im happy, at least i once have had him in my life (:
thinking back of the slitting and carvings and stabbings,
i must admit that i've been really stupid to had once been a slave of love.
and ill rmbr everything you told me word for word.
"don't find love; let love find you."
you gave me a kind of motherly love you know!
im so envious of your children. really. deep down.
i wished my mother was as intelligent, rational as you.
i wished i had a mum who would talk wisdom and courage into me;
rather than solving everything with violence and threats.
although now i still cries to know that he isn't there anymore,
but its really not as often as earlier.
the reason that he changed his heart. no he didnt, he just stopped loving me.
is because in the first place i left him and hurt him to the extend of,
him being completely dejected in me. hopeless.
so. in the end. it's an eye for an eye.
an arrogant scorpion like me had finally fallen to a catastrophic cancerian.
but it's worth it. a really genuinely-valuable lesson.
it makes me know that karma returns to you for whatever you do.
eventually you've have to learn to let go of what isn't yours.
if you really love him, you must set him free;
if he comes back to you, he would be yours for life,
if he doesnt, he never really was in the first place.
enough love for now. (: self appreciation time.
"sorry my dear arm and wrist. i love you. sorry for hurting you badly and rupturing the blood vessels."
"forgive me by healing faster okay? loves. sayang sayang. XD"
MRS SOH! ill learn TOA CAH SOH by hard and stop slitting myself T>T!
just don't send me go counsellorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
i don't care got police anot. you send me there i slit. XD!

-

for those who wanted to know what happened.

the guy i practically loved alot (guy A) died.
engulfed by grief and despair, lived my life in total darkness.
till that day i met max. i could tell that hes different.
but due to my conservatism and disbelief, or distrust,
i found it impossible to love him truly and i forced myself to love max.
after a few months as fate would have its jaws clamped down,
we broke. i initiated the break up.
but as time passes, i feel that i continued to be drawn towards him.
and the attraction is far stronger. so. yes. fell in love.
on sunday, he came to find me. and we went out with weisian.
we sat by a river, and kept really quiet.
i took secret glances at him. admiring. falling in love topsy turvy.
but neither did i know that he no longer feels the same.
its dejavu. like how i did in the first place.
although he knew it himself that he doesnt love me anymore,
he still came back to me. in a vain attempt to rekindle this love.
but rendered as it is, as fate always will be,
he broke up this time. he initiated the break up,
left me shattered to pieces and wondering why.
initially i thought it was because that im a smoker.
but no, it's just that the feeling has dampen the period after i broke.
i know, at least he tried to love me. with gratitude really.
though it didn't work out, im still thankful for accepting me as who i am.
and im glad that me and him are still friends.
the only two life saving proverbs that came to my mind after this mentally excruciating incident are;

"if you want to see the rainbow, you must go through the rain;
if you want to withhold true love, you must experience the pain."

"some people will only cherish when they know that they're about to lose something they don't want to;
and the worst scenario is that, they may only regret it after it is gone in eternity."

the second one totally described me.
this fateful scorpion [me] was finally "subdued" by this cancerian [max].
but im seriously happy that i did.
i learnt priceless lessons that i would never have if it wasn't for this.
yes. i regretted. cried. slitted. stabbed. carved. hurt.
yes. i learnt. laughed. joked. awoke. repent. smiled.

you see the difference now? and yeah. the last saying speaks:

"It's sad when people you know become people you knew.
When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life.
How you used to be able to talk to for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them..."

so, my friends, cherish while you still have the chance to.
treasure when you're still within their hearts.
be grateful when heaven sends a revelation to you to end your everlasting misery.

do not be like me.
the arrogant and self-centered girl.
who threw a rare diamond into the sea.
who tried finding it back.
who found it back and kept it by her side.
who treasured it, but sadly was already too late.
who was judged by karma unworthy of it.
who lost to fate which returned the diamond back to the sea.

2009-08-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

fucker max. this is for you.

you like to ignore people right?
you think you can do everything just by sending 1 sms?
you think im so easy to let you bully right?

you really love to test my patience.
i can love you. i can retaliate too.
but now. i don't. because you have fucking made me DAMN angry.

I HAVE A LIMIT. DON'T YOU CROSS IT.
from here i officially announce ill MAKE your life living HELL everyday.
you think im just one normal girl right?
do you really think that im just a crybaby? fullstop?

if you want to ignore so much.
you aren't fit to live in this world at all.

go burn in hell before i make you sorry for what you've done.

2009-08-15T05:54:00.000-07:00

i wished that things are still the same.
i don't know it's fate or what,
used to ignore love chain messages,
yet nothing will happen.

yet. the worst thing happened when i ignored a chain message.
that came upon me in my dreams.
why is it him?

i wished things can still be like last time.
i can let go of him. but the memories made me feel as though something is missing.
everyday going to high school. everyday that same person makes you laugh and smile.
he would send you home everyday after school.
he gave you hope, to pass your maths.

and i don't know why.
just don't know how long will it take for this curse to settle.
i really miss him though. but i will keep my cool.

i know that he still care for me.
maybe it's just care. not love. whatsoever.
but i hope that he's happy with his choice.

dejavu.
helping me tie my school tie.
and me breaking up.

asking him tie my school tie.
and him asking for break up.

confusion of the heart.
in the first place, when he doesn't want me to go,
why did he intended to in the first place?
no matter what happens next.
im no longer here to defend myself but my pride.
let me clarify that im never going back to him.
its impossible for me to. just impossible.

ever heard of once bitten twice shy?
no way. he walked into this path himself.
now there's no returning.
and that isn't my fault.

yes. i still like him as friends.
like.
like.
like.
as long as you know how to differentiate between love and like.

what i love is the previous him.
and he is now gone with time.
i don't know, it may be forever,
but whatever happen, i will still come to a standstill.

and one more thing.
i don't love him,
i just misses the memories which i can't let go of.
beautifully haunting...
sweetly bitterish.
shattered with lots of heartbreaks.
spiced with jealousy.
filled with teardrops.
candy-fied with promises.

but now i figured it out.
that was all just.

memories.
remnants of my past.

im unable to let go of the past.
it takes time. but i eventually will.
and the one that i misses most.
is the presence of him beside me.
the him inside my memories,

shall never be forgotten.

2009-08-15T05:53:00.000-07:00

Is this how true love feels like?

Sweet and bitter.
Happy and miserable.
Hesitant and yet decisive.

All of life's clues points towards you.
But you were my past. It's over.
Is there such thing as rekindled love?
Back to the open arms, to the love that once to be there?

And now I realise.
This love is still deep intact after a long, long time.

You still care for me don't you?

All those facebook quizzes.
The yagas who told me.
M T S. Name of him who dawns upon my life.
Max Tiv Samnang? So exact? Are you sure?
Cancer-Scorpio = sparks fly? Is this so?

Where do broken hearts go?
Can we find our way home?
Will I choose to come back?
Can I even do that?

Should I give in?
Are you really the one?
I'm not afraid to say, we click so well.
I feel shy yet happy around you.
Really happy. No words can describe it.
I feel secured too.

Rmbr that very day you brought me to a forest?
Do you still rmbr what you told me?
I remembered very clearly.
"Don't be scared. I'll protect you."

Ever having a sense of loveless misery?
Do you know how I felt when you didn't go up the same bus as me?
Do you know why I chose to alight at next stop and WALK back to find you?
Do you believe in fate, even?
I thought you're gone. But I trusted my heart.
And you're still there. And we ended up taking the same bus.
When I came behind you. Gasping for air because I ran all the way to find you back.
Do you know how happy I was to see you're still there?
I feel as though I'm the luckiest girl on earth.

But memories just came swamping me...
Maybe I just can't FORGET them. Sweetly filled with haunts of you..
I've been lying to myself all along. No, I never did forget you.
Dreams don't just turn to gold.

And thank god. For the moment I cried.
You leaned on my shoulder. I could feel you.
It's almost as real. It's dejavu.
I know. Now I know, that my daydreams aren't fictional.
It came true. Just like how I imagined.
And I was really happy.
Really was.

Even though you ignored me because I smoked.
I know you care. And for that I promise I will quit.

I don't believe. But all the clues in life pointed to you and you alone.
And now. From a stubborn girl, it has changed and convinced me.
Is it too late? Can I go back in time?

Is this really meant to be?
Everyone tells me to follow my heart.
But.. There's no easy way. I just can't run away.

I no longer feel obliged towards you.
No longer irritated. Because maybe I've changed.
And I believe that we make a good match. Seriously.
It all is written in the stars.

If reality is the opposite.
We won't be here. It must be something else.
I miss you desperately..

But I'm still not going back to you.
What's yours will be yours eventually.
There's no rush. I'll go against fate.
But that doesn't mean I have no feelings for you.
Seems like I made the right choice, looking you in the eyes.
So.. electrifyingly beautiful. I like your smile. Your eyes too.
You made me feel secured everytime I walk beside you.
If this is true, I'll eventually go back to you.
No rush, this is fate, not a game.

You still care for me.

Thank god that I've been cursed with a sweet romance.
If this is just my own delusion,
let me be in it forever.